Matthew

1 This is the family history of Jesus Christ. You may have heard of him, skinny bloke with a beard. He was a carpenter by trade, but was also quite handy with bread, fish and lepers.  He came from the family of David and Abraham. (Records from the time are at best sketchy, it is not known if David and Abraham were man and wife but this seems unlikely considering views of the time on same sex marriages. Not to mention that it would have really pissed off Jesus’ real Father.)

2       Abraham was the father of Isaac.
        Isaac was the father of Jacob.
        Jacob was the father of Judah and his brothers.
 
3       Judah was the father of Perez and Zerah. (Their mother was Tamar.)

4-15  The list goes on a bit, listing various spouses. Suffice to say that all involved are offspring of Adam and Eve (whom we will mention later), so technically are all inbred.

16      Jacob was the father of Joseph. Joseph was the husband of Mary, and Mary was the mother of Jesus. Jesus is called the Christ.

17      So there were fourteen generations from Abraham to David. All inbred. Most of them likely suffering from either mental or physical deficiencies, resulting from years of family fiddling. There were also fourteen generations from David until the time the people were taken to Babylon. And there were fourteen generations from the time when the people were taken to Babylon until Christ was born. (It is unclear if Babylon was a place or ethnic slang for Police Station.)

The Birth of Jesus Christ

18     The mother of Jesus Christ was Mary. And, this is how the birth of Jesus happened. Mary was engaged to marry Joseph. But before they were married, Mary learned that she was pregnant with a child (she hoped it was a child, a goat or small ass could have proven difficult to push out). Mary was pregnant by the power of the Holy Spirit. At least, this is what she intended to tell Joseph. 19 Mary’s husband was a good man, if slightly gullible, he did not want to bring shame to Mary before the people. So he planned to divorce her secretly. Despite the fact it was just mentioned that they were merely engaged, not yet wed.
20      Joseph was burning with jealousy inside. That night he got pissed and beat crap out of Mary, before collapsing into a drunken sleep. That night an angel of the Lord came to Joseph in a dream. The angel said, “Joseph, son of David, don’t be afraid to accept Mary to be your wife. The baby that is in her is from the Holy Spirit.” (It is unknown if the Holy Spirit intended to, or ever did help out with child maintenance.)
21      “She will give birth to a son. You will name the son Jesus. Give him that name because he will save his people from their sins. It also sounds cool when said with a fucking in it. Jesus Fucking Christ. See?”
22        All this happened to make clear the full meaning of the things the Lord said through the prophet: 23 “The virgin will be pregnant and will give birth to a son. They will name him Immanuel.” (Immanuel means, “God with us.”)
24       When Joseph woke up, he did the thing that the Lord’s angel told him to do. Well, he had a piss and a shave first. Joseph married Mary. Mary the slut. 25 But Joseph had no sexual union with Mary until she gave birth to the son. (It is not known if this is to be taken literally, it may be that as soon as the baby popped out Joseph jumped on top and gave Mary a good seeing to, but not known with any certainty. It is unlikely however, that with all the menstrual blood and afterbirth around that he gave her any oral service.) And Joseph named the son Jesus.

Wise Men Come to Visit Jesus

2        Jesus was born a bastard in the town of Bethlehem in Judea. He was born during the time when Herod was king. More noticeably though, he was born with a beard and looked remarkably like the man who lived next door to Mary and Joseph. Joseph wasn’t too bright and didn’t notice this. After Jesus was born, some wise men from the east came to Jerusalem. 2 The wise men asked people, “Where is the new baby that is the king of the Jews? We saw the star that shows he was born. We saw the star rise in the sky in the east. We came to worship him.” Naturally this was met with some skepticism. The locals hadn’t heard of any king being born to them. They had however heard of a bearded freak born to some unmarried whore, who also claimed to be a virgin, and directed the three “wise” men to the stable where this king of men was sleeping with some ox.
3        King Herod heard about this new king of the Jews. Herod was troubled by this. And all the people in Jerusalem were worried too. Bearded babies could only be bad news. 4 Herod called a meeting of all the leading Jewish priests and teachers of the law. Herod asked them where the Christ would be born. 5 They answered, “In the town of Bethlehem in Judea. The prophet wrote about this in the Scriptures:

6 ‘Bethlehem, in the land of Judah,
you are important among
the rulers of Judah.
Yes, a ruler will come from you,
Bearded and born from a whore,
And that son of a whore will lead Israel,
                          My people.’”            Micah 5:2

7  Then Herod had a secret meeting with the wise men from the east. Herod learned from the wise men the exact time they first saw the star. He also asked if they had been smoking anything. 8 Then Herod sent the wise men (who wished they had kept their big mouths shut now they had to walk all that fucking way, across the sands, at night) to Bethlehem. Herod said to the wise men, “Go and look carefully to find the new baby. When you find the baby, come tell me. Then I can go worship him too.”
9 The wise men heard the king and cursing their luck left. They saw the same star they had seen in the east. The wise men followed the star. The star went before them until it stopped above where the baby was. 10 The wise men were happy to see the star. They were very excited. One is rumoured to have wet himself. (It had been a long trek.) 11 The wise men came to the house where the baby was. (Some versions say that Jesus was born in a manger, it is now widely believed that what was actually meant, and was misinterpreted, was that he was born of a “minger” and that he had inherited his mother’s beard). They saw the baby with his mother (close inspection proved it to be the mother, the beard was misleading) the wise men opened the gifts they had bought for the baby. For some reason they had bought the king of men perfume, oh, and a bit of gold. 12 But God warned the wise men in a dream (reception in Jerusalem for mobile phones was awful back then). God warned them not to go back to Herod. He also pointed out that if they were so bloody wise why could they not see the scheming prick of a king’s evil plans behind his façade? So the wise men went home to their own country a different way.

COMING UP IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT~ JESUS’ PARENTS TAKE HIM TO EGYPT (WELL, HIS MUM AND ADOPTED DAD) KING HEROD GOES ON A KILLING SPREE, THEN DIES, THEN JOSEPH AND MARY RETURN FROM EGYPT AND WE MEET A CRAZY OLD FUCKER WHO EATS LOCUSTS AND TRIES TO DROWN SINNERS

Jesus’ Parents Take Him to Egypt

13 After the wise men left, an angel of the Lord came to Joseph in a dream. This was preferable to Joseph compared to the Holy Ghost coming in his wife. The angel said, “Get up! Take the baby and his mummy and escape to Egypt. Herod is well pissed and wants to circumcise Jesus with a lion. So stay in Egypt until I tell you it is safe.”
14 So Joseph, starting to get a little confused about the voices in his head, got up and left for Egypt with the baby and the baby’s mother. 15 Joseph stayed in Egypt until Herod died (to cut a long story short). This happened to make clear the full meaning of what the Lord said through the prophet. The Lord said, “I called my son to come out of Egypt.”
Simple.

Herod Kills the Baby Boys in Bethlehem

16 Herod saw that the wise men had fucked him over. He was very, very angry. In fact, he was pissed off to the max. So Herod gave an order to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and in all the area around Bethlehem. Especially those with beards. Herod had learned from the wise men the time the baby was born. It had been December 25th 0000. It was now two years from that time. So Herod said to kill all boys aged two and below. As a second thought he also ordered the slaughter of any ugly girls. 17 So the thing God (Who thought it would be too much an obscene show of power to actually save all the innocent children who were about to be murdered for the sake of his own child) said instead through the prophet Jeremiah happened:

18 “A sound was heard in Ramah.
It was bitter crying
and much sadness.
Rachel cries for her children;
and she cannot be comforted,
because her children are dead.”
                                                                        Jeremiah 31:15

Joseph and Mary Return from Egypt

19 After Herod died an angel of the Lord came to Joseph in a dream. This happened while Joseph was in Egypt. 20 The angel said, “Get up! Take the baby and his mother and go to Israel. The people who were trying to kill the baby are now dead.”
21 So Joseph took the baby and the baby’s mother and went to Israel. 22 But Joseph heard that Archelaus was now king in Judea. Archelaus became king when his father Herod died. So Joseph was afraid to go there. Joseph was warned in a dream (again). So Joseph left there and went to the town of Galilee, where it is believed he did the fandango. 23 However, probably because the thunderbolts and lightning were very, very frightening Joseph moved again to a town called Nazareth and lived there. And so, the thing happened that God said through the prophets (known nowadays as mental illness/psychosis). God said that the Christ would be called a Nazarene.

The Work of John the Baptizer

3 At that time John the Baptizer came and began telling people a message from God. He was clearly insane.  This was in the desert area of Judea. 2 John said, “Change your hearts and lives, because the kingdom of heaven is coming soon.” 3 John the Baptizer is the one that Isaiah the prophet was talking about. Isaiah said:

“There is a crazy fucker in the desert:
Eating locusts and trying to drown people
He says: Make way for the Lord.
Make his path straight.
                Isaiah 40:3

4 John was clearly mental. His clothes were made from camel’s hair. He spent a lot of his day scratching. John had a leather belt around his waist. (Not sure if that comes into the plot later but if the original mentions it then who am I to omit it?) For food, John ate locusts and wild honey. (It is unknown where he got the wild honey from but with such a lovingly vengeful God there was always an abundance of locusts to eat.) 5 People went to hear John. Well, the truth is that they went to take the piss out of the crazy desert camel man. Who ate locusts. Dipped in honey. They avoided his breath. The people came from Jerusalem and all Judea to see the crazy fucker. It was a fair deal. 6 People told the sins they had done, and John tried to drown the fuckers in the Jordan river. This form of wet confessional was called baptizing. Hence John’s name, John the Baptist. It had a much nicer ring to it than John the Crazy Fucker who Dresses like a Camel and Eats Locusts then Half Drowns you in the Jordan.
7 Many Pharisees (Jewish religious group members) and Sadducees (A leading Jewish group who only believed the first five books of the Old Testament, available at all good book stores and quite an entertaining if not a little far fetched read) came to the place where John the locust chewer was attempting to kill people. When John saw them he said to them: “You are all snakes! Who warned you to run away from God’s anger that is coming? 8 You must do the things that show you have really changed your hearts and lives. 9 And don’t think that you can boast and say to yourselves ‘Abraham is our father.’ I tell you (babbling now) that God could make children for Abraham from these rocks here (Did I mention he was crazy?) 10 The ax is now ready to cut down the trees. Every tree that does not make good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire. (I would like to point out that ‘trees that does not make good fruit’ refer to sinners, and not solid dependable but non fruit bearing trees such as the oak and the spruce. These were cut down instead to make the Bible.) 11 “I baptize you with water to show you have changed your hearts and lives. There are also some ‘I rode the water flute with JB’ T-shirts available to those who want to spread the word. But there is a person coming later that is greater than I am (not vain at all). I am not good enough to take off his shoes for him. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit (a potent mixture of vodka, beeswax and locust urine) and with fire. (If being drowned didn’t appeal.) 12 He will come ready to clean the grain. He will separate the good grain from the straw. He will put the good part of the grain into his barn. And he will burn the part that is not good. He will burn it with a fire that cannot be stopped.” (Since the Bible went to press Jesus has been implicated in a wave of arson that spread throughout Nazareth at the time. No proof could be found that tied Jesus to the crime however, as John the Baptist was the only witness and was clearly a raving lunatic.)

COMING UP IN PART THREE. JOHN THE CRAZY FUCKER TRIES TO DROWN JESUS. JESUS IS TEMPTED BY SANTA (WELL, HE WAS BORN ON CHRISTMAS) OH WAIT, SATAN. AND JESUS BEGINS HIS WORK IN GALILEE. MAGNIFICO O O O O O O.

Jesus is baptized by John

13 At that time Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan river. Jesus came to John and wanted John to baptize him. 14 But John tried to say that he was not good enough to baptize Jesus. John said, “Why do you come to me to be baptized? I should be baptized by you!”
15 Jesus answered, “Do as you are told you crazy old fuckwit. I’m the son of God after all.” John said, “Okay, but only if you agree to buy a T-shirt.”
16 Jesus was baptized and he came up out of the water. He had a condom stuck in his beard. The sky opened, (fucking typical that it should rain on his special day) and he saw God’s spirit coming down on him like a dove. 17 And a voice spoke from heaven. The voice said, “This (Jesus, not the crazy fucker John) is my son and I love him. I am very pleased with him. Although, I think he would look better clean shaven.” (It is not clear why God stopped being pleased with him and allowed him to be tortured and crucified.)

The Temptation of Jesus

4 Then the spirit led Jesus into the desert. Jesus was taken there to be tempted by the devil. (Not the greatest show of faith really) 2 Jesus ate nothing for 40 days and nights. After this he was very hungry. His “I rode the water flute with JB” T-shirt hung on his skinny frame. 3 The devil said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these rocks to become bread.”
4 Jesus answered him, “It is written in the Scriptures,

‘It is not just bread that keeps people alive.
People’s lives depend upon what
God says.’
             Deuteronomy 6:13 (That may not be the exact time, but it was around a quarter past).

5 Then the devil led Jesus to the holy city (Jerusalem). He thought the smell of a Big Mac would tempt him where rocky bread had failed. The devil put Jesus on a very high place on the temple. 6 The devil said, “If you are the Son of God, jump off. Why? Because it is written in the Scriptures,

‘God will command his angels for you,
and their hands will catch you,
so that you will not hit your foot
on a rock”’
                          Psalm 91: 11-12

7 Jesus answered him, “Fuck off! Are you nuts, it is high up! Besides, I want a Big Mac. And also it is written in the Scriptures,  

‘Don’t listen to that fucking devil!’

And,

‘You must not test (doubt) the Lord your God’” (Because He will always disappoint).
                         Deuteronomy 6:16

8 Then the devil led Jesus to the top of a very high mountain. The devil showed Jesus all the kingdoms of the world, and all the great things that are in those kingdoms. 9 The devil said, “If you will bow down and worship me, I will give you all of these things.”
10 Jesus said to the devil, “Go away from me, Satan! It is written in the Scriptures,

‘You must worship the Lord your God.
Serve only him!’”
Deuteronomy 6:13

11 So the devil left Jesus. Stuck up the mountain. What a cunt! And then some angels came to Jesus and helped him. That was really sweet of them.

IN THE NEXT BIT JESUS STARTS HIS WORK IN GALILEE. HE ALSO CHOOSES SOME FOLLOWERS AND MOLESTS SOME CRIPPLES

Jesus begins his work in Galilee

12 Jesus heard that John was in prison. (Apparently someone had tried to return a faulty “I rode the water flute with JB” T-shirt and the crazy old fucker really tried to drown him.) 13 Jesus did not stay in Nazareth. He went and lived in Capernaum, a town near the lake Galilee (it is rumoured he wanted to live there because the homosexual nightlife was much better.) Capernaum is in the area near Zebulen and Naphtali. Next to the cinema. 14 Jesus did this to make happen what the prophet Isaiah said:

15 Look at the land of Zebulen
      and the land of Naphtali
       the lands by the road that goes to the sea,
        the area by the Jordan river—
     Galilee, the land where non-Jewish
        people live.
        16  These people live in darkness (sin)
       but they have seen a great light:
            the light has come for those people
           that live in a land that is dark
            like a grave.
           There are also some great gay bars.
                                                     Isaiah 9:1-2

17 From that time Jesus began to tell people what God wanted. This is what he said: “Change your hearts and lives because the kingdom of heaven is coming soon.”

Jesus chooses some followers

18 Jesus was walking by lake Galilee. He saw two brothers, Simon (called Peter) and Simon’s brother Andrew (called Andrew). No one is certain why Simon called himself Simon if his name was Peter. He was a little confusing. The two brothers were fishermen and were fishing in the lake with a net. 19 Jesus said, “Come follow me. I will make you a different kind of fishermen. You will work to gather the people, not fish. I also have some sweets and cute puppies. 20 Simon and Andrew left their nets and followed Jesus. They liked puppies.
21 Jesus continued walking by lake Galilee. He saw two other brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee. They were preparing their nets to catch fish. Jesus told the brothers to come with him. 22 So the brothers left the boat and their father, and they followed Jesus. “Don’t you two be late. If you ain’t back by eleven you are grounded”, shouted Zebedee.

Jesus teaches and heals people

23 Jesus went everywhere in the country of Galilee. In between abducting young men he also taught in the synagogues and told the Good News about the kingdom of heaven. As well as mentioning his all male brothel that was soon to open. Jesus also claimed to heal diseases and sicknesses. The truth is though that he actually enjoyed molesting the vulnerable. 24 The news about Jesus spread all over Syria. And people fed up of caring for their own bought all the sick people to Jesus. They charged him to kop a feel. These sick people were suffering from all kinds of diseases and pain. Some people were suffering with very bad pain, some (mostly women)had demons inside them(it is now known as PMT or PMS or mad cows disease). (Some, when he was left alone for more than two minutes ended up with the son of God inside them. Sometimes for a second coming.) Some were epileptics and some were cripples. Jesus wasn’t fussy, he molested all of them. Including the ones who had been planted by Jesus to pretend they couldn’t walk only to walk as if by some miracle after he had groped them. 25 Many, many people followed Jesus. Except for the ones who couldn’t walk. He told them they were too evil to heal. These people were from Galilee, the Ten Towns, Jerusalem, Judea and the area across the Jordan river. By the Pizza Hut. They were all gullible dick wads.

Jesus teaches the people

5 Jesus saw the many people that were there. He couldn’t believe his fucking luck! Gullible twats. So Jesus went up a hill and sat down. His followers followed him like true followers follow he who is being followed. 2 Jesus taught the people. He said:

3 “What great rewards there are for the people who know they have spiritual (special) needs!
The kingdom of heaven belongs to them
4 What great blessings for those who are sad now (and I hope you aren’t chewing Simon! Or Peter, whatever the fuck your name is!)
God will comfort them
5 What great blessings there are for the people that are humble!
They will have the land God promised
6 What great blessings there are for the people that want to do right more  than anything else!
God will fully satisfy them (And let them sin all they want as long as they confess).
7 What great blessings there are for the people who give mercy to other people!
Mercy will be given to them
8 What great blessings there are for the people that are pure in their thinking!
They will be with God (Who gave them the very body parts that make them think unholy thoughts!)
9 What great blessings there are for those who work to bring peace!
God will call them his sons and daughters (And be with them on the battlefields when they are slaughtering and raping and pillaging in his Holy name).
10 What great blessing there are for the people who are treated badly for doing good!
The kingdom of heaven belongs to them (Suckers)

11 “People will say bad things against you and hurt you. They will lie and say all kinds of evil things against you because you follow me, and I have a beard. But when people do those things to you, know that God will bless you. 12 Be happy and glad. You have a great reward waiting for you in heaven. People did those same bad things to the prophets that lived before you. But to be fair, they did write such bollocks.

IN THE NEXT EPISODE. JESUS WAFFLES ON ABOUT SALT, SEXUAL SIN (SNIGGER) AND DIVORCE.  AND GANDALF RETURNS FROM THE DEAD…..OOPS, WRONG STORY! JUST AS BELIEVABLE THOUGH!