I’ve done a lot driving around the Midwest when I was, and let me tell you, the farmers have PLENTY of room to work with. Most of this great nation’s Midwest is NOTHING BUT GOD DAMNED FARMS.

While many square miles of farmland may only yield them a mere .13 cents per square acre quarterly, a decent titty bar is pulling around 100$ per minute (that’s rounding down). We don’t need LiveAid concerts to bail out these rednecks. It’s business, just simple ass fucking business! Instead of leaving your sole source of income at the mercy of such intangible forces as droughts, locusts, and early frosts, why not move the whole operation indoors into skyscrapers, in protected environments, with crisp hydoponic lights for optimal growing conditions. It will surely beat the pants off speculating on the success of next year’s okra harvest! Leave that commodities to the God Damned Amish. Do not fear technology – revere it! We must replace this religious insanity! Get on your knees before electronics! God has done his work through nature in the Midwest for many a centuries! If farmers are pimping their children to make ends meet, it is only because GOD HAS FAILED YOU!

Now with all that being said, why not try this? Take the entire Midwest and turn it into one giant shoe show and move the farms to cities in high-rises! With all of the additional revenue that will be streaming into Hickville from liquor licenses, tourism, permits, and DUI arrests – even the most right wing, uptight local government will turn a blind eye to all of this hedonism in lieu of ALL THAT CASH. Replace those two penny, one horse power buggies with million horse power, cash sucking, drunken, next day empty pocket guilt vortexes: TITTY BARS.

While we are at it, we can take the same technology that made strip clubs what they are today and apply these same principals to farming: Saline enhanced carrots, silicon augmented watermelons, asparagus surgically molded to perfection! It will certainly be a great time to be a cosmetic surgeon!

It will also be a much needed boon to one of this nation’s most vital issues: HOMELAND SECURITY. See, if Al Queda decides to do a repeat of 9/11 and they decide to nail the Sears Towers, the only adverse effect would be a small dip in the US production of zucchini. A minute ago, you thought that I was on drugs for suggesting that we turn all of America’s farmland into seedy strip bars! So what now? Am I making too much sense?

Soon, millions will be flocking to this nation’s rural areas for conventions, our farmlands will have the tourism draw of a rustic Red Light district! The national farmlands will serve a much higher purpose than just a life support system for a bunch of corn! Let this nation’s crop be bathed in the cobalt blue light of a radioactive sun.

Our resources are not infinite; we must make the best use of what we’ve got!

It’s not like we can just invade anyone if we want their shit!

Hang on, let me get back with you on that one…

Jay

Posted by Jaygermiester on Sunday, December 24th, 2006 at 11:33 pm.