Who would win in a fight, Lemmy or Jesus?

Well as you can see by the picture, it wouldn’t be much of a fight. Lemmy would win, hands down.

But Jesus is the son of God, you say? Well, Lemmy is God, so there goes that argument!

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Saddam decided since he was gonna die, he wanted to come clean and tell Georgy Boy about the sordid soiree he spent with Babs. Apparently for 1 dollar, Babs Bush gives a great BJ without a rubber, and she isnt shy to do a little lappin’ around the perimiter. Nice to know. At least, now, americans can finally understand why Bush Sr. would fuck someone who looks old enough to be his mother. “When it comes to fucking … She’s no slouch.” commented Mr. Hussein, just before demanding a phone call to Gerald Ford to discuss the potential for a presidential pardon.

Hussein also disclosed that he and Mr. Donald Rumsfeld used to enjoy paying cheap hookers to beat them with switches while wearing diapers, drinking Schlitz and listening to Willie Nelson records. Mr. Hussein claims he was the winner in a week-long contest of which could stay in the same foetid diaper for the longest.

A reliable source has confided to me that the translation of Mr. Hussein’s last words was not 100% accurate. His actual last words were “The Godfather of Soul is Great.”

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Jesus fucking christ your site fucking rocks! Most of the stuff I’ve seen on it is great, my mother is hardcore, old school, catholic, church Nazi and all of my life she’s been trying to force me to go to church and cram religious crap down my throat, in the name of jesus! So I know where you’re coming from, haha thankfully she isn’t as much of a zealot as bush or shirley phelps roper, but still, it’s enough to be considered her being a brain-washed mind-controlled drone, it sucks! Ah well, keep up the site, I’d hate to see it go down, too bad no-god.com isn’t around anymore, that site was funny too, Awesome game – CRUCIFY ME JESUS! Well I hope you like this picture, I knew sooner or later some one would do something with kramer and gibson, so I figured what the hell, I might as well throw a black jesus into it too, earn me more points towards hell. Take care buddy! And feel free to add me on the all dreaded myspace!

www.myspace.com/urcoolbutimnot

Yes sadly I fell into the temptation and evil of creating a myspace. And also, jesus fucking christ, isn’t that technically nothing more than god jerking himself off? Oh, there’s nothing like starting the day with a sin or two, right?

LATER MY SINFUL FRIEND!

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Jesus was a very compassionate man. He hung around the poor, the beggars, the lepers, and now (as historical evidence suggests) – the nignogs.

Thanks Mr. Pope Pius “Ignant” Intercaust Esq. Jr. III for this delightful chop.

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The Vatican has just announced that this cookie is a bonified miracle befause of its penchant for healing the sick (though they didn’t mention it was only from a case of THC induced munchies).

The Catholic Church seems to dismiss facts when it seems convient.

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I’ve done a lot driving around the Midwest when I was, and let me tell you, the farmers have PLENTY of room to work with. Most of this great nation’s Midwest is NOTHING BUT GOD DAMNED FARMS.

While many square miles of farmland may only yield them a mere .13 cents per square acre quarterly, a decent titty bar is pulling around 100$ per minute (that’s rounding down). We don’t need LiveAid concerts to bail out these rednecks. It’s business, just simple ass fucking business! Instead of leaving your sole source of income at the mercy of such intangible forces as droughts, locusts, and early frosts, why not move the whole operation indoors into skyscrapers, in protected environments, with crisp hydoponic lights for optimal growing conditions. It will surely beat the pants off speculating on the success of next year’s okra harvest! Leave that commodities to the God Damned Amish. Do not fear technology – revere it! We must replace this religious insanity! Get on your knees before electronics! God has done his work through nature in the Midwest for many a centuries! If farmers are pimping their children to make ends meet, it is only because GOD HAS FAILED YOU!

Now with all that being said, why not try this? Take the entire Midwest and turn it into one giant shoe show and move the farms to cities in high-rises! With all of the additional revenue that will be streaming into Hickville from liquor licenses, tourism, permits, and DUI arrests – even the most right wing, uptight local government will turn a blind eye to all of this hedonism in lieu of ALL THAT CASH. Replace those two penny, one horse power buggies with million horse power, cash sucking, drunken, next day empty pocket guilt vortexes: TITTY BARS.

While we are at it, we can take the same technology that made strip clubs what they are today and apply these same principals to farming: Saline enhanced carrots, silicon augmented watermelons, asparagus surgically molded to perfection! It will certainly be a great time to be a cosmetic surgeon!

It will also be a much needed boon to one of this nation’s most vital issues: HOMELAND SECURITY. See, if Al Queda decides to do a repeat of 9/11 and they decide to nail the Sears Towers, the only adverse effect would be a small dip in the US production of zucchini. A minute ago, you thought that I was on drugs for suggesting that we turn all of America’s farmland into seedy strip bars! So what now? Am I making too much sense?

Soon, millions will be flocking to this nation’s rural areas for conventions, our farmlands will have the tourism draw of a rustic Red Light district! The national farmlands will serve a much higher purpose than just a life support system for a bunch of corn! Let this nation’s crop be bathed in the cobalt blue light of a radioactive sun.

Our resources are not infinite; we must make the best use of what we’ve got!

It’s not like we can just invade anyone if we want their shit!

Hang on, let me get back with you on that one…

Jay

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So it was recently my birthday, and guess who showed up? Well besides Jaygermeister. Jesus himself! I was quite shocked too, but he said he loves the site, go fuckin’ figure! You can see by the picture that Jesus was enjoying himself as I indulged in a little cake (you can barely see my horns).

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I’ve been busy expanding / re-vamping a few parts of the site:

http://loljesus.com/about/ – I switched up what the old webmaster had in there. I even wrote my own LOLJesus prayer…if you like it, memorize it and pray to loljesus every day. If you don’t…go fuck yourself.

http://loljesus.com/confess-your-sins/ – It came to my attention that the confessional was out of comission for a while. We apoligize for the souls that entered hell in its absense. Don’t worry, you’ll only be there for eternity!

http://loljesus.com/link-with-us/ - I’ve made some handy pre-fab link codes that you can slap up on your myspace page, blog, or whatever if you want to show us some love. The bandwidth is on the house.

http://loljesus.com/forum/ - Things are starting to pick up in our chat room after a kind of slow start. Look for even more expansion shortly.

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So … anti-death penalty nuts are freaking out about Angel Nieves Diaz’ 34 minute chemical death boogie. Autopsy report is that they fucked up the needles. Well, who hasn’t had a bad nurse at least once in their lives? Anyways, Florida switched from ‘old sparky’ to lethal injection after two doods heads caught on fire in the 90’s. Nice! So I guess now they are going to switch to … Hmm … Might I suggest that whatever chemicals they are using – throw that shit out and hook the man up with some pure dope.

Afghanistans finest. What could be more humane than that? And just keep it pumping till the lights go out! And get some ex-stripper top-heavy nurses in there who know how to find a fucking vein. Fuck a last meal, make it a last lapdance. Actually one stripper/nurse could give a rub and tug while the other is finding the vein. Yea … Happy endings!

It seems odd to me that the jesus lovers are usually the pro-death penalty people. Anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. Well that is another can of horseshit entirely, but interesting to me was this webpage here showing how many people on death row have been acquitted:

http://www.deathpenaltyinfo.org/

These dudes spent a total of 1,135 years on death row. Probably praying to jesus … Im curious how many people have been killed then acquitted, but then again I’m becoming altogether too bored with this to do any further investigation.

Judas

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